13
Apr
2012

Back on the Market, with a Side of Ketchup Catch Up

By

Haven’t talked to 27 in a few days. Not sure what is up with that. I texted and called him, but haven’t received a response. Guess we won’t be moving past the number designation after all. Damn. I kinda liked him. Ok. Maybe more than kinda. Damn.

I’m back on the online dating scene, taking it VERY slowly. I don’t know if anything will come out of it, but my last attempt at it wasn’t *all* bad. I did meet S, after all, and had a good time while we were together. And this time I came up with a really good headline and profile description (with lots of good pics), so I’m hopeful.

No, I’m not gonna tell you which site(s) I’m on. Stalkers.

Now, what do you need to know if you want to date me? Don’t worry. I’ve got you covered. Here are the basics:

  • I will NOT shave my legs every day. Consider yourself lucky if I decide to shave them when the Brundlefly hairs pop up on my toes.
  • I am already married to this man. How do you feel about polygamy?
  • Four words. Kiss. Me. You. Fool. I LOVE kissing. It is such an expressive act. And so erotic! Don’t worry if you think your kissing skills are lacking. I’ll teach you. Trust me, your homework will be most enjoyable.
  • Happy Bunny and I are siblings from another mother. And father. But just trust me. We’re related.
  • I can probably drink you under the table. I’m just sayin. Well, I used to be able to do that pre-meds anyway.
  • Size doesn’t matter, as long as you can hammer a 6-inch spike through a board with your penis. A girl’s gotta have her standards.
  • I. Love. Nickelback. Get over it. I’m still cool.
  • I don’t recommend trying to get my attention/flirt with me on the road. Most likely you will do something stupid, which will cause me to call you an asshole (or something even more colorful if you do something REALLY stupid), flip you off, and speed away.
  • I kissed a girl once. And I liked it. I think. There was a lot of alcohol involved, though, so I’m not entirely sure. And actually, I think I kissed three girls. I told you I loved kissing…
  • I’m a closure kind of girl. Not the “dug my keys into the side of his pretty little souped-up 4-wheel drive” closure, mind you. That’s just not me. I’m mean more like knowing that it’s over so I’m not biting my nails down to the nubs waiting for the phone to ring, then finally start moving on, only to have you waltz back into my life like nothing happened. Look. I recognize the possibility that things could go south with us. I do. All I ask is that you be a stand up guy, and tell me “things aren’t working out”/”it’s not you, it’s me”/”you’re a fucking bitch and I can’t stand the sight of you anymore!” Will I like it? Probably not. Will it make me feel a whole lot little bit stabby? Possibly. Will I act on those feelings? Absolutely not. Trust me, it’s the better way to go. Saying nothing actually does more damage.

So.

Who’s first?

Category: am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, dating diary, the method to my madness  Comments off
06
Apr
2012

Another Reschedule

By

I had to postpone my tattoo. Again.

*sigh*

It was supposed to be tomorrow, but I just don’t have the money for it right now.

When I called to reschedule, I was told that if I reschedule again, they will cancel me and I will have to put down a deposit. Um… ok. I already put a deposit down when I first made the appointment, but apparently that doesn’t matter. Nor does it seem to matter that I’ve given more than 24 hours notice.

Look.

It’s not like I’m being a chicken shit here. I WILL HAVE THIS DONE. But, as you all know, I’m easily distracted by shiny things. Like shoes. And it tends to do damage to my bank account. Ok, so I really don’t buy shoes as often as I lead you all to believe I do. The real problem is that I’ve realized Ash and I just can’t survive solely on ramen noodles and refried beans. I know, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?

So some concessions have to be made. Like buying ONE pair of shoes instead of two…or more, ground beef instead of steak (which, to be honest, I just plain fuck up anyway), and vodka instead of tequila (or Galliano for my root beer floats, which are TO DIE FOR!) cuz it mixes with just about ANYTHING.

If I can stick to those, along with perhaps a few others, I just might be able to swing this thing without any extra costs. If not, I might be downtown for something *other* than the tattoo. My rates will be reasonable, I promise.

Category: ink, misc rantings, things that make me sad  2 Comments
02
Apr
2012

It’s not like I could redeem them for travel or anything…

By

One of my coworkers sends out regular Excel tips to the office. They. Are. Awesome. And coming from me, that says a lot. I am an (self-proclaimed) Excel Goddess. But this guy? I TOTALLY bow down to his divinity. He. Is. GOOD.

The tip he sent out this morning focused on gridlines in Excel. Some people love ‘em, some people hate ‘em. It’s a matter of preference, I know. I happen to subscribe to the former, but I also recognize that there are times when hiding those bad boys is helpful.

Today’s tip centered around changing the Show gridlines settings in the Advanced section of Excel Options (click on the Office Button in the top left corner, then click on Excel Options to access if you’re using newer versions of Excel), which changes all new workbooks/worksheets to not have the gridlines visible by default.

That’s all well and good, but I don’t necessarily want to have EVERY new worksheet without gridlines. And then I remembered… you can actually toggle that feature from within each and every worksheet! SWEET!

How, you ask? Well, I’ll tell you, my friends. Click on the View tab, and then check (or uncheck) the Gridlines box. Easy Peasy Mac N’ Cheesy!

I replied back to my divine cohort, mentioning this little tidbit. And reaped the rewards. 1,000,000 bonus points and the entire office bowing down before me, even if only for the 5-10 seconds it took for them to read the email.

My former Double-Wide mate (I may have to explain that at some point), sent along her congratulations…

A: Holy wow…..how do you plan to spend your 1,000,000 bonus points???
Me: Male strippers of course.
A: Stupid question.

So now you may (or may not) have learned a little Excel trick today. And got some entertainment as well. And are now in need of brain bleach.

You’re welcome.

I do what I can.

Category: am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, just when you think you know me, the method to my madness, working girl  Comments off
29
Mar
2012

The First 30 Days – What I’ve Learned

By

• My doctor is FREAK-ING AWE-SOME. He prescribed me a med that is a FOUR DOLLAR GENERIC. Next time I go in, he’s SO gettin glitter. Did I mention that my next appointment is for a pap smear?

• When they tell you it could get worse before it gets better, HEED THAT WARNING. I didn’t give it the credit it deserved, and when it hit, I was totally unprepared. Oy.

• The back of the pack actually has days of the week printed on it. So all those days when I had no clue as to whether or not I had taken that day’s pill (and there were a lot) could have been avoided. Good thing I can count. So I guess math *is* useful after school. Who knew?

• I. Need. More. Rest. Like, A TON. I honestly think that more sleep would go far in helping me get back to where I want/need to be. Now, if I could just get myself to actually GO TO BED. Anyone interested in being the heavy on that one? Cuz clearly I am unable to do it on my own.

• I’m not ready to reschedule my therapy appointment yet. Not exactly sure why, but I won’t beat myself up over it. I’ll get there.

• I know a whole lot more people IRL who are currently (or recently been) on anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds than I realized.

• My Give a Shit is a little less broken. I am FINALLY starting to feel better. Some of you may have already noticed a change.

• There may be more to add, but this is a good start. I think.

Category: age is a state of mind, am i the only one who thinks this is funny?, health, the method to my madness  Comments off
16
Mar
2012

Half Naked

By

Have you ever considered doing a boudoir photo shoot? Would you ever consider doing one?

I have. It’s actually something I’ve always wanted to do.

So when I was notified about a Groupon for a really good deal on a boudoir photo shoot, I was really interested. I checked out the photographer’s website, and was amazed at the images in the gallery. They were awesome.

So I bought the Groupon. And then put it off. Hey. It’s what I do.

It was set to expire March 12th. With the expiration date (and my depression) looming over me, I considered just letting it go. Then I decided that I didn’t want to waste that money. And then I wondered, what would I wear?

I knew I wanted shots taken in my purple corset. Because obviously. And I had one other piece that I thought would look good. But then what? Anything showing my midriff was out. Of. The. Question. So I did the only thing I could. I went shopping.

Mind you, I still hadn’t even made my session appointment yet. Part of me was still toying with the idea of calling the whole thing off.

I finally made the appointment, even though I haven’t been 100% or felt very sexy lately. I wasn’t ready to completely give up on it just yet.

I opted to have them do my hair and makeup. I just didn’t feel confident enough to pull it off myself. And it was totally worth the money. Not only did I have a great time talking with Marci (the stylist), but as you can tell from my new avi, she made me look great!

The photo shoot was actually fun. It was easier to walk around and pose half naked than I thought it would be. And I was sober! Somer (the photographer) took a lot of shots of the three different outfits; way more than I expected. When we were done, I asked if I did ok and she said we got some great shots. YAY!

I (not so) patiently waited for the raw images to be uploaded, so that I could make my selections.

Well…

The images are uploaded on the site now.

And I’m too afraid to even look at them.

Category: can you take it again? cuz i blinked, just when you think you know me, S-E-X is NOT dirty, the method to my madness, underwear under there  3 Comments
28
Feb
2012

Day 1

By

Okay, okay. I know you’ve been patiently waiting to hear all about what happened at my doctor’s appointment yesterday. And I’m finally in a place where I can write about it.

So. Let me start with the fact that I knew I would have to go in fasting. I knew there would be needles involved in this little visit. Now that doesn’t mean I was happy about it. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. But I was aware that they were going to be used. Ugh.

And being the damn overachiever that I am, I also got myself under the impression that I would need to give a urine sample. Crap, I nearly wrote semen sample there. And just now I couldn’t even spell semen. That does it! Clearly, I’ve reached critical sex deprivation levels here. CALL IN THE NATIONAL GUARD! Yep. That should just about cover it.

Now. Back to the UR-INE sample. I managed to forget *one* tiny detail in my brilliant plan to go into the doctor’s office with a bladder filled to the rim (overachiever, remember?). I needed to wash my hair in the morning. Shit. Running water. On my head. COLD running water on my head. I seriously considered corking that hole to keep it in, but since I didn’t have any cork, I resorted to galloping cross-legged around my apartment getting ready. I haven’t had to keep my legs clamped together so hard since the last time The Sperm Donor tried to have sex with me. I’m sure my downstairs neighbors loved me.

I bided my time through the weigh-in… taking my pulse… taking my blood pressure… the questions. Only to find out that they didn’t need a urine sample. Wh-WHAT? I let my low blood sugar haze wash over me and temporarily forgot about the busting-at-the-seams organ in my abdomen. Besides, my doctor is really nice, so I cut him a break and decided not to hose down the office. Even if he isn’t McDreamy. Or McSteamy. And even if he is a Mormon doctor who has seen my hoo-ha.

Well, how do you *think* my IUD got in there? Immaculate insertion?

The doctor came in and asked if I was there for a physical. Well? I mean I was, but that was just a sort of pretense to encompass ALL THE WRONG THINGS. Once I started talking, though, it all just kind of tumbled out of my mouth. Really fast. As if I didn’t get it all out right away, I would lose my nerve and just dejectedly reply, “Yeah.”

Believe it or not, the depression wasn’t a hard sell. Not that I was trying to “sell” him on it. But I’m pretty sure that day I locked myself in my apartment and refused to talk to anyone sealed the deal on that one. I win. And guess what my prize was? I’m now the owner of a shiny new Celexa prescription! YAY. And all I had to do to get it was bare my soul. And my boobs. And sacrifice a few vials of blood. Easy peasy mac n’ cheesy.

In an effort to not be TMI, I try to glaze over the rest of the appointment. The lump I found in my abdomen is most likely either a deep lipoma (fatty tumor) or a hernia (already had one of those, and I’m pretty sure that’s not it). But neither option is apparently anything to worry about; just have to keep an eye on it. He never really said much about my digestion issues, so I kind of assumed that he was waiting on the bloodwork results. Well, guess what? All the tests came back normal.

*sigh* Of course they did.

I have to go back to see him in 4-6 weeks, to check on how things are going with the anti-depressant. If my tummy troubles aren’t any better by then, I just might have to open a can of whoop-ass on him.

I picked up my pretty blue box last night. No not *that* pretty blue box. The other one. The one with the magic pink pills in it. The pharmacist joked with me some. You know, cuz you have to handle the crazies with kid gloves. Especially the new kids on the block. When he mentioned that the depression may get worse before it actually gets better while the meds build up in my system, he kept stressing that I needed to keep in contact with my doctor if anything changes. So, not only could I possibly experience decreased sex drive (from my earlier research on the drug), but how I’ve been for the past months could get even worse? Umm… ok. Fireman better get his ass here. And soon, before he ends up on his knees *praying* for my walk-in-the-park PMS.

Oh. Yeah. I kinda haven’t told you about him yet. Nevermind. Moving on.

After I got home from picking up my prescription (which was FOUR DOLLARS. Have I mentioned how much I like my doctor?), I decided to talk to Ash a little about what was going on. Trust me, she already knew something was wrong with me. She’s 12. She’s not stupid. I didn’t go into details; she didn’t need those. I just told her that I was depressed, and that I was working with my doctor to get better. I wasn’t expecting her tears. And I really wasn’t expecting the reason for her tears. She was concerned that I might try to commit suicide. It just about broke my heart! I reassured her that I will not harm myself. And just in case any of you need reassuring, I have no intention of taking my life. Promise. Cross my heart and hope to… Well, you know what I mean.

Today was Day 1. The day to start taking my meds. The day to talk to my boss and let her know what happened yesterday. The day when things start to change for me, even if I can’t see it quite yet.

And so it began…

Category: health, just when you think you know me, the method to my madness, things that make me sad, Uncategorized  Comments off
26
Feb
2012

I will win.

By

I have a doctor’s appointment first thing tomorrow morning. I’ve been keeping it on the DL. For reasons.

Well…

I’m pretty sure whatever is going on with my body finally figured out what was up this morning. And decided to dig in for a final siege. The attack was brutal. I was forced to retreat multiple times.

It was ugly.

And then, of course, whatever is going on my emotions flanked me. I was totally unprepared.

Talk about refusing to go down without a fight. However, it just reminded me why this doctor’s appointment is so important. I need to figure out their strategies. I need to find the holes in my defenses, and shore them up.

I need to get better.

Today is over. I will admit defeat. For now.

I’m disappointed I didn’t get to do all I wanted to today.

But there’s always tomorrow.

And in the end, neither of them will win.

I will.

Category: health, misc rantings  Comments off
16
Jan
2012

42

By

There used to be a time when I couldn’t remember how old I was.

When people would ask me my age, I would have to think about it. Really think about it. And calculate it. Every. Single. Time. My age was just no big deal.

Then it all changed.

I think it started around Josh’s high school graduation. I had always thought about my age a little on his birthdays, but that milestone of his growing up really started to make me acutely aware of just how old I am.

And now I never forget.

Part of me holds on to the number for shock value. I don’t look my age, and I’m so very grateful that I don’t. When I tell others how old I am, I usually get a response along the lines of, “NUH-UH!” It absolutely cracks me up.

Another part of me I think holds on to the number as a reminder of how much time I’ve let slip away. There are still things I want to do with my life, and my age is a kind of a motivator, I guess. At least, I hope it is. At the end of my life, I want there to be very few “what if?”s.

So, at 4:33pm today I turn 42.

Yeah. Like I could forget.

Category: age is a state of mind, birthdays should be banned  Comments off
21
Dec
2011

Kidless Christmas

By

I received an email from The Ex last night.

He doesn’t fly out until Tuesday 12/27, and is asking to keep Ash through Monday night. Originally, I expected her to be home on Christmas night.

Of course I will tell him yes. And not because he is walking all over me, or anything like that. Ash sees so little of her father right now due to his traveling for work, that I make sure they have as much time together as possible. It’s important that they have that time. For both of them.

However, it makes me sad that I will not see Ash on Christmas at all now.

Category: divorce parenting, family, misc rantings, things that make me sad  Comments off
17
Dec
2011

Sometimes it really is who you know.

By

And it’s a good thing.

On Monday, I received a text out of the blue from my old boss, telling me she might have an opening at her company and asking if I would be interested.

Um…DUH. I’ve been struggling at my current job for a while now. It was not what I expected it to be.

So I told her I am interested.

Our conversation continued and she let me know that the job would be helping her with payroll.

Oh…HELL YES.

I told her I would love to work with her again. And that’s when things really started to happen.

We went from there to setting up an interview, to the interview itself (which went really, really well), to an offer…

…IN FIVE DAYS.

I was on pins and needles all week. I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. But I couldn’t say anything about it, at least not online. I’m fairly certain I have lurkers on my blogs, so I had to keep it under wraps until it was a done deal.

Which now it is!

I start my new job on January 3rd. AND… they’re going to pay me what I asked.

New year…new job…more money…

BRING IT ON!

Category: i wouldn't do this if i didn't need the $$$, the silver lining  Comments off
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